Today would have been mine and Derek’s seven months and well, we broke up yesterday.
I don’t want to post about this on facebook so I’m gonna vent on here about everything considering no one reads any of this anyways.
Well, where do we begin.
Around a few months ago, I started feeling very depressed. He thinks it has something to do with my grandmother coming to visit for a month, but really it was more than that. At around the same time, Karlie came to visit me and I don’t necessarily like her or trust her around him so I became insecure. I was caught wondering.. what if he liked her or anyone else better. So basically throughout those few months, I’d see him talk to other girls, or older flames. Nothing serious, but talking none the less and I’d get frustrated, angry. I felt like I didn’t make him honestly happy and would find myself thinking, “Well, why the fuck doesn’t he go date her instead?”
Everyone reassured me that he loved me and cared about me but the thing that was really missing was actual reassurance from him. I needed that, I needed to know that he loved me as much as he said he did. I felt empty when he told me that he loved me. It really, really blew myself esteem down.
So then nightly I’d get into these really bad moods, maybe because I really hated my life, but I think I did it because I honestly wanted him to react. Again, I just wanted the reassurance. But that person begging for attention wasn’t me, it was someone completely different than the person I was before all the second guessing, fears and doubts. However, while I knew deep down that it was bad to ask for attention that way, but I could never overpower that person.
Eventually, I became that person. I was always depressed. I was always sad. I was never satisfied. I didn’t take his compliments when he rarely gave them to me because I still wanted more attention. I felt neglected.
But when we were in person, things were great. I was the girl he originally fell for. As much as it didn’t feel like we were a couple when we were apart, in person we were. We knew each other’s families. We hung out often. We were intimate. That’s probably the main reason I’m holding on, because I know that deep inside, we can make each other happy.
We just got caught up with insecurities, and we hardly talked. We didn’t make time for each other. Our conversations were empty, the were meaningless. We were shells that fell into the same routine.
I just, I don’t know. I miss him, I want to be with him but I don’t think I’ll have him back and it really depresses me because the real me is ready to make things change.